The Imperfect Stranger and The Promised Pink Tulip

Hello from me - The Imperfect Ss...stranger 🤣

Soooo, it has been a literal YEAR this week since I have been around here! 🤯

I'm back.

What a year it has been!!

This time last year we were finishing up our reading of the Bible through in 6 months...

The Lord was busy doing so much personally in me and in our life as a family;
We were adjusting to a health diagnoses for Mr Sojourner .
I bought a car after almost 10years not driving and prepared myself to face some fears!
We were getting ready for our biggest Little Sojourner to start (big)school and our littlest Little Sojourner to start preschool.

And

I found out there was another Little Sojourner on the way 👶

All day "morning" sickness, new school routine, preschool battles,  getting back in a car and much joy and anticipation followed over the months.

This February we welcomed our little one. Another girl... Our 3rd Pink Tulip.

Then COVID-19 Pandemic happened and we went in to lock-down or should I say we entered the age of face masks, homeschooling, Zoom quizzes, rainbows in windows and singing Happy Birthday twice while washing our hands 🤣

 

We had bonus Daddy home time though and amazing weather!!

Through all this last year I had so much on my heart to share in this space but life was a bit full on and also I wrestled with so much and allowed myself to be silenced by fear, insecurity, intimidation.

However, I plan to SMASH through that ... imperfectly 🤣

I'm not a writer, I'm not very polished... All I hope to be is a sign post to Jesus in my everyday VERY imperfect life.

A little story before I go...

THE PROMISED PINK TULIP

 Social Media: 2 May 2016  ·

"Only two tulips came up in the bed outside our window this year... Oddly; both are pink! 

Hmmmm interesting #makesmewonder"

 

Social Media: 2 May 2017  ··

"Last year no tulips came up at the window then just 2 pink ones came up and we wondered were we having a second girl... (I was 19wks pg) We did have another girl. Now we have THREE pink outside. No this is not an announcement but it's funny nonetheless #hmmmwonderingaboutthefuture"

When we were expecting our second miracle baby we had 2 pink tulips grow outside in the font - so random! When we then found out she was also to be a girl we felt like maybe that was a little wink from our Father.  So when the 3 popped up the next summer we were wondering was there anything to it.

Every day I passed by them or saw them through the window my heart would inquire of The Lord.

What is not clear from that caption in 2017 was just what the reality in me and my home was at that exact time! and how The Lord whispered and I kept that whisper locked away in my heart.

I always wanted to be a Mama... and I was an "auntie" to every child I knew because I loved children and was always good with them. We struggled with infertility for years after we were married and so when we finally had our first it was everything to us!

I was a good Mama to her; I know that. She was with me all of the time and we did everything together. I was calm and creative and cuddly and it all felt pretty perfect most of the time.

I was so excited when we found out that surprisingly we would have another!  The pregnancy was hard in spots but we welcomed little one in September 2016.

I had nursed my first right through the pregnancy and planned to tandem feed which I did. We adjusted well and the first few months were lovely and although I had certain challenges I just allowed for some postpartum adjustment and presumed it would be ok very soon... but it wasn't all that rosy and it got harder and harder.

I am convinced I had postpartum depression at the least!
I wouldn't go to the doctor about it because I had this crazy fear that my kids would be taken from me. I won't go in to the details of all of that for now as this post is already long :)

May 2017 our eldest was 2 1/2 years and our smallest was 8months. 
I did so much with them and I did my very best and some times were perfect and lovely and there was happiness however I had a short fuse and I never imagined I would feel so much of what I did feel! I shouted :( I found it hard to feel peace... I battled suicide and even just wanting to run away because "I wasn't good for them!". 

I told my husband they needed another Mama.

I thought I couldn't raise the two children I had never mind have any more - though my dream before infertility was always for a big family. These tulips frightened me; I said God unless you really can turn this all around I CANNOT have another... I would break! I knew it!

However, I felt His whispers...

I said one day "God, if this is YOU I need a name NOW!! something to hold on to and allow to build hope and ease fear."

Immediately I heard her name.

I told Mr Sojourner and locked it away in my heart. Every now and then I took it out and wrestled with it.

There was A LOT of time, work, growth, hard times, worth it times and more between those tulips may 2017 and her being here in my arms in 2020. Those stories are for other days...

But, shes here, my promised tulip...  Named just as He whispered that day. She brings with her so much hope and promise and we are grateful beyond belief!

Until we chat again,

Lisa x